When you are trying to set rules and limits, do you get caught in a cycle of repetition, nagging and exasperation? Your words seem meaningless, you hear yourself getting louder and mention of privileges or consequences is ignored.
The problem may be classic and clear-cut ‘misbehavior’ by your challenging children who know how to work the parent system and dodge the behavioral expectations. However, it is often the case, when parents or teachers are spinning their emotional wheels working harder to get nowhere, that the source of the problem is straightforward: their challenging loved one simply does not know what it is that he or she is supposed to be doing. In particular, for those who have ADHD, Asperger Syndrome or high functioning autism, we must supply the less obvious and usually unspoken steps.
Case Study: An Exasperated Mom
While I was waiting in an airport, a mom sitting a few seats down was trying to get control of a situation with her two active little boys. The boys were bored, tired of waiting for a delayed flight, and full of spiraling energy. To entertain themselves they began a game too loud and too physical for an airport. When the little guy, about 6 years old, turned his back, the older boy, about 9 years old, came up from behind and locked the little guy’s arms behind his back. And the little guy went for vengeance with his own brand of brother-torment, and so the cycle went - rambunctious wrestling, giggling and crying alternatively to “Stop it!” then goading on for more. Mom spent about 20 exasperating minutes earnestly trying to intervene, at the end of her mothering rope in her own cycle of calling out to the boys to “Stop that!” and “Leave him alone!” packaged with convenient threats and unappealing bribes. All three were burnt out and cranky as they boarded the plane.
How could mom have been more effective in getting the results she wanted?
New and improved scenario:
When it is time for the boys to settle, Mom gets the attention of each child, looking at each child face to face, one at a time, giving them specific instructions: “Jimmy, sit in this chair.” and “Bradley, sit in that chair.” And then, “Jimmy find an activity in your back pack.” and “Bradley, here are your crayons and pad of paper. And then: “You will both sit for 10 minutes and play quietly on your own. After that, If it is not time to board the airplane yet, we will take a walk. Then we will decide what to do next.”
What does the mom achieve in that new and improved scenario?
1. She gave the boys specific information to act on. “Sit there.” “Amuse yourself by [doing this].”
2. She gave the boys an end time when they could look forward to a change of pace and new information.
3. She gave herself a break by setting the boys up with alternative behaviors that averted her own meltdown and avoided embarrassment of her children’s behavior.
4. She saved everybody energy for the trip ahead.
When you are in the thick of things, pause, pull back and take a good thought-filled look at your current strategy. Get clear about what you are not doing or saying that may give you the missing pieces to the social skills puzzle.
Ellen Mossman-Glazer M.Ed. is a Life Skills Coach and Behavioral Specialist, specializing in Asperger Syndrome, High Functioning Autism, ADHD, and learning difficulties. Over her 20 years in special education classrooms and children’s treatment settings, Ellen has seen the struggle that children have when they feel they don’t fit in. She now works in private practice with people across the USA and Canada, by phone, teleconference groups and email, helping parents, educators, caregivers and their challenging loved ones, to find their own specific steps and tools to thrive. Ellen is the author of two on line e-zines, Emotion Matters: Tools and Tips for Working with Feelings and Social Skills: The Micro Steps.
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